Endure

  • Red Fox

    Red Fox

    In deep sorrow and grief, we lose track of time, don’t we? It was October, now it’s December. My sense of time, in grief, is disrupted. I lack flow; I move in starts and stops. My wife comes home from work and asks, “What did you do today?” and I don’t have a ready answer… Read more

  • Here I Am

    Here I Am

    People grieve in different ways and at different paces. This is a recurring message in my various readings of grief literature. I understand this. However, I still don’t know if I am doing it right. I feel okay, so maybe my array of practices is right for me. Time will tell. I will just keep… Read more

  • Crippin

    Crippin

    The day before Thanksgiving, the girls (my wife and daughter) and I drove out to the cemetery to be present with our son, pray for him, and simply pay our respects and honor him. Because Poppy Jack (grandpa) is literally right next to Cooper, we did the same for him. We were also able to… Read more

  • Crane Migration

    Crane Migration

    I have a long-running habit of not drinking alcohol during the week, then, on Friday, I have a few beers. Saturday too. I’m glad binge drinking is now defined as five beers instead of three. Therefore, I don’t binge drink on Friday. Several months back, on a Friday night, my wife and I visited the… Read more

  • Just Breathe and Bruises

    Just Breathe and Bruises

    As we continue to process Cooper’s death, navigate grief, and struggle our way toward, through, and around healing, I am leaning into music. I’ve never been a huge music guy, but I am finding that music touches me in places other mediums do not. My soul, man. I tear up listening to certain songs, but… Read more

  • Boys in the Basement

    Boys in the Basement

    I grew up in Arizona, solidly middle class. Or maybe we were lower middle class, and I have more lofty memories than I ought to have. I’m not sure. I snow skied and slam danced. You tell me. All things considered, our middle-class neighborhood was culturally diverse. My best friend throughout high school was South… Read more

  • MAINE

    MAINE

    Well, we passed the 40-day mark. Beyond the spiritual significance of 40 days, this marker provided an opportunity to assess how we are doing in our healing process. How are we doing? This continues to be an interesting question to me because I don’t have a mental scaffolding to anchor it to. I don’t have… Read more

  • 40 Days

    40 Days

    Forty days is a spiritually significant number. I don’t know why. • It rained for 40 days and 40 nights – Old Testament • Moses was on Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights – Old Testament • Elijah fasted for 40 days and 40 nights – Old Testament • Jesus fasted and was… Read more

  • Mountains of My Mind

    Mountains of My Mind

    My wife, the good mom and woman, is back to school teaching the littles. All things considered, she’s doing well. She’s crushed in the deep places, I know, and she will never be the same, but I’m really amazed at how well she’s navigating this tragic life event. She had her first counseling session yesterday… Read more

  • Rugged Hope

    Rugged Hope

    I can’t help but to question my parenting following Cooper’s death. What parent wouldn’t have questions, guilt, and a host of “what if we had done this, what if we had done that, what if we had zigged there instead of zagging?” I understand that could have, would have, should have is normal in grief.… Read more

  • Spiritual Edgework

    Spiritual Edgework

    During my fire department career, I was not on a special operations team. These are the teams conducting specialized rescues, like swift water rescue, confined space rescue, and high-angle rescue. I did receive “operations” level training in these disciplines and later became a rope rescue technician. After my fire department career in Arizona, we moved… Read more

  • Standing Together

    Standing Together

    The flowers have mostly run their course. A few bouquets, late in coming, are still alive with color but are beginning to wilt. The food is eaten, and various snacks litter the kitchen counter—even in grief, there are limits to how many snacks one can eat in good conscience. The beautiful, heartfelt cards have slowed… Read more

  • Cooper James Update

    Cooper James Update

    Together, as a family, we made the decision to bury Cooper. Cooper was buried in Indian Hill Cemetery, Chapman, Kansas next to his grandfather, Jack O. Leatherman, and his great grandparents, Homer and Veva Leatherman, on October 20th. Read more

  • In Memory, Cooper James

    In Memory, Cooper James

    Dear Family and Friends, We write this letter in deep, aching soul pain. Our youngest son, Cooper James, 23, took his own life in the early morning of Sunday, October 8th in the vicinity of Baker Wetlands, Lawrence, Kansas. Read more