When I think of my grandson, I will always remember his character. His kind heart was genuine and compassionate; he was warm, gentle, and caring. He loved his family and his dogs. I hope his legacy will always be to spread kindness.

I still struggle with the word “suicide,” as my mind still can’t imagine that my grandson would take his own life.

We lived fairly close during Cooper’s childhood, so we were very fortunate to share many great family holidays together. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Independence Day, and birthday celebrations were all great fun.

Cooper enjoyed barbecuing with his grandfather, otherwise known as Poppy. It was always a joy to have Cooper in our home.

During Cooper’s childhood, he came for many sleepovers and also lived with us for a few months during the COVID-19 pandemic and again after his college graduation. As his “Nanny,” Cooper always put a smile in my heart and a twinkle in my eye; he was indeed very special.

I often ask myself, how could I, as a grandparent, outlive my grandson?

My own sadness doesn’t begin to touch what my son Kelly and his wife Victoria have been through this past year. As the mother of Cooper’s father and Victoria’s mother-in-law, I grieve that I can’t fix their pain as they suffer from this enormous tragedy. Their sadness is so deep I worry for their health, knowing that grief affects the mind, body, and spirit.

I often wonder how this happened to such a precious family who loved their son so much.

I’m close to my two adult sons, and I feel very proud of how they’ve grown even closer through this horrific loss. In the first few days after Cooper’s death, they shared heartache and horror that only a brother’s bond could survive.

Those were scary and horrific days in the immediate aftermath of Cooper’s death—too painful to try to share.

Cooper’s Uncle Jason arrived on the first day of the impact of our loss, and he held his brother tight during his darkest hours. For several months after our loss, Kelly and I would talk and cry daily on the phone, just leaning on each other’s pain.

Cooper was so loving and caring.

We believe Cooper suffered from a mental health crisis that had been lingering over the past few years, undiagnosed. Cooper had a few counseling sessions in recent years, but we never understood the depth of his pain.

Yes, this is what we mostly say to outsiders, but honestly, we just don’t have any other answers. We just don’t know. We are left wondering, how could we not know Cooper’s pain was so deep, and that he was able to hide it so well?

On the outside looking in, things looked amazing. Cooper had recently graduated from college with a degree in Aerospace Engineering, he had a good job at the university, a new car, and a solid bank account. But still, his world was crushing him with loneliness, depression, and a lack of self-worth that finally tormented him to end his own precious life.

Our family is devastated and broken.

My son and his family will always have that missing piece of their son and brother. We will forever mourn Cooper, the loss of his future, and the promise of the dreams that lay ahead of him.

Cooper was loved, and he loved his family. He was not heavily into alcohol or drugs; he took good care of his body. During his time living with us, I would be in awe of him swimming 100 laps, playing golf, taking hour-long runs through the neighborhood, working out in the village gym, and eating a healthy diet.

Cooper James: 23 years old.

How could there be such a short END date for such an extraordinary young man?

On the day of Cooper’s burial, October 20th, 2023, my son officiated the burial of his son.

There are no words to describe the heartfelt spiritual presence that took place on that day.

Only by the grace of God was Kelly able to stand before his family and give Cooper back to God.

I witnessed the Holy Spirit take Cooper’s soul into His heavenly kingdom during his burial. The sky was blue, white birds flew above, and a shiny perpetual light flowed through the tall trees. Go home, our son, it is your time to be with our Lord.

We were so blessed to have you in our lives for 23 short years, Cooper.

Years ago, I gave Cooper a prayer candle and a rosary. Cooper kept these on his dresser. In pictures, he often wore a patron saint necklace. Cooper was baptized and confirmed in the Roman Catholic Church.

I put the rosary from his dresser in his hands and buried it with him in his casket.

The Lord took Cooper home. I was there, this I do know.

I think I’ve learned that the grief of Cooper’s death is a pain we will sit with now and always, never having the answers as to why he took his own life.

Now we must learn to remember how beautiful our love for him was and is, and to hold tight to the memories we cherish.

Victoria was everything a mother could be. I remember her working tediously over the years, making photo scrapbooks for each of her children, my grandchildren. Now, Cooper’s scrapbooks are a family treasure; we value Victoria’s work that captures each year of his childhood through high school graduation.

We all have special memories of what a wonderful, precious life Cooper lived, and we know not to take this fragile, wondrous life for granted.

There is nothing left to fear after a family suffers a tragedy like this. Nothing. My love for my grandson lives on as I await our heavenly reunion.

I want to live out my life spreading ‘Cooper Kindness’ to all in honor of him.

Forever loved,

Nanny Kathy