Hello, Friends. March is flying by and we will soon be resting squarely on April 8th. Nearly six months ago, October 8th, Cooper put on his angel wings and halo and left us. Man, that was a rough day. They do not get tougher.

As you know, I have been blogging through my grief. When Cooper first died by self-harm, I knew immediately I did not want to sweep his death under the rug. Too many families do this, particularly with suicide. Everyone is left to guess and wonder what happened to the 23-year old boy. I didn’t want that.

To be fair, to each their own. I have no qualms with how people choose to handle death in their family. But I knew for me, we were going to set the lamp on the lamp stand and shine bright through the darkness. We simply have to start talking about young men and suicide. It is a massive problem.

Almost immediately after Coop’s death, I wrote a letter to family and friends and sent it out via text and email. The responses surprised me. Family and friends said, “you need to share this with others.” That was the beginning of this blog. The first two posts on this blog were originally private letters to family and friends. (Incidentally, if you’re new to blogs, the first two blog posts will be buried way back in the early dates. Blogs update by latest post, not earliest entries).

Today, Endure.blog has:

• 5,000 views
• by 2,132 visitors
• from 27 countries

I have written 31,400 words captured in 25 blog posts.

The most popular post is Crippin, written on November 28th, 2023.

What’s been most uplifting through my grief writing has been the wonderful words of encouragement I have received from family, friends, and friendly folks just dropping a note of grace. Grace word bombs.

Below is a sample of the words that have lifted me over the last six months. To those who wrote them, thank you. Deep bow. I accept your grace and I love you for it.

Thank you Kelly for your wonderful insightful thoughts these past few months.

I’ve been reading Kelly’s blog posts and can’t stop thinking about what he writes. I feel in his pursuit to heal and find meaning as to why Cooper took his life Kelly is going to help many people find meaning and hope in their own lives.

Thank you so much for sending this. Grief is such a roller coaster and he talks about it so incredibly.

Kelly, your words have opened my eyes to so many things about life and grief. My current grief is nothing compared to the loss of a child but your blog has helped me so much! You and your family are so incredibly special and the strength you have is awesome. I am definitely not good with expressing myself with words but your words truly inspire me to try in a personal diary. Thank you!!!

Those are amazing words written with so much emotion and love! I cried through almost all of his message and could truly feel his pain! 

I have been really enjoying your blog posts — CJ mentioned to me today that reading them provides comfort.. and I agree. It is helpful in my healing process to hear your perspective, thoughts, wondering, and stories. I mentioned this to CJ today, but I think your talent with writing is not one that one can learn but is born with.

Your blog was beautiful! Made me really stop and think about what’s really important in life. Thanks for sharing this and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Kelly I’ve always enjoyed reading your past blogs- you’re such a talented writer. This one speaks to my heart. I pray that the writing process helps with the grief in some way. The way you explained what it’s like to have a child missing was surreal and the sculptures took my breath away. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to future posts.

These blogs are honestly the most amazing things I’ve ever read. It is so YOU Kelly, that while you are trying to make sense of your tragic loss, you are also helping others.

Reading this blogs are explaining exactly what we have gone through and done ourselves over the last 11 months. We are coming up to the one year mark and more questions keep coming up. I’ll pm you more as I dont want to write a novel on your post. No I don’t know what it’s like to lose my child but I know the pain of what it’s like to lose someone who took their own life. You and I think so much alike and here I thought I was the only one whose mind worked the way it was trying to make sense of this tragic event. I’m always here to talk bounce thinking off of. My husband swears I should have been a detective in my life.

I recently lost my niece so your blogs are putting words to our grieving as well …

Kelly, Thank you for sharing your writing! I can only imagine the amount of weeping that has happened and will continue as you grieve!

Kelly your blogs are so powerful to me.

Oh man what a beautiful blog. Just finished reading this and I am in tears man. What a beautiful strong family you have and so amazing how they all pulled together. I hug my son a little tighter and tell him I love him more often since I started reading your blogs. I can’t even imagine the pain. Thank you for sharing all of this. You’re a great writer. Godspeed

Beautifully written! I love your vulnerability thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Such an awesome read Kelly. Incredible. Thinking of you and your family.

You describe this shadow casting, coin collecting gang with such clarity. This particular post hit hard.

Every time I read your blogs, my heart breaks for you. Your descriptions lead us to love our own children deeper and savor the time with them. Still praying for you McCoy family.

I loved your blog. I’ve been melancholy the last two days. All the kids I lost to addiction, they were like my children. I can relate to your grief. They all killed themselves. I talk to a kid I took care of 8 years ago. He was lonely, mixed feelings about wanting to live. I’ve had to be resilient for others. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Great insights, Kelly. You help others with these posts! One thing I fight with is tremendous guilt. I have since learned that a sudden death typically results in a greater level of guilt and shame – heart wrenching emotions for sure. Like you, I am slowly but surely remembering the good and trying to be thankful for the 10 years we had. Love to you and yours.

Thank you all for your love and understanding. I do not feel that anyone else understands completely and feeling like a burden to them too heavy to bear the pain of seeing me or hearing me in so much pain and not being able to help but just simply having people who unfortunately understand this depth of sadness, loss, and grief makes me feel a little less alone. I feel so very alone in this a lot. But you guys help me a lot and I agree Kelly’s blog is very well written and expresses feelings into words I wish I knew how to do.

 I just want to say I read Kelly’s blog and he has such a gift with words. He puts exactly into words things I’ve felt for years that I can’t explain or get out.  Thank you Kelly it has been healing for me the sharing of your blog . Hugs to you and Tori.  I know we are all on this journey of grief but the important thing to remember is that we are not alone.  We have each other.

They say words are not enough, yet your words will help you and others go through the journey of handling such a tremendous loss. I love you and will always keep Cooper and his smile in my heart. “Un abrazo mi hijito.”

I have 4 grown up kids and I cannot fathom what you’re going through but your writings are inspiring! 

Your journey is so familiar and your words so vivid and real. Thank you for sharing pieces of Cooper with us.

Stumbled onto your blog. Your grief is deeply felt in your eloquent blog. My husband and I are eight and a half years out from our son’s death. Being able to share your thoughts is powerful. Keep talking and sharing your journey, with your wife, your children, others who you trust with your words. We hear you, we share your brokenness.

I have been so touched by your beautiful words about your unimaginable pain. Your blog has been so touching, reading through tears, I feel so blessed to hear your story.

Thank you for this inspiring read that reminds us to search for the little nuggets of gratitude that can be found in even the most tragic situations.

You are making it better by sharing your deeply heartfelt story with us. Thank you!

Just incredible…I can visually and soulfully feel it. I just ache for all involved in similar pain.

Keep writing, it’s not only good for your soul but for your readers’ souls, as well.

Kelly, your writing touches the soul of the reader. 

Kelly, you are such an inspiration a talented writer. I’m enjoying your journals which, you should turn into self care essays that can help others. You’ve gotta know Cooper’s right with you while you’re putting as we used to say back in the day, “pen to paper.”

Look forward to a new blog post soon. I have started a new part-time job and, surprisingly, it’s been challenging for me to find the time to sit down and find the flow of writing.

Blessings, Kelly