10/14/2023
Dear Family and Friends,
We write this letter in deep, aching soul pain. Our youngest son, Cooper James, 23, took his own life in the early morning of Sunday, October 8th near a local conservation area.
Cooper grew up in Southern Arizona, playing club and high school soccer. He graduated high school from high school and attended university. He majored in Aerospace Engineering and graduated May 2022. Shortly after graduation, Cooper was hired by a university in the Midwest.
Cooper moved to the Midwest and was living at home with us over the last year, learning his new job and saving money.
For those who knew Cooper well, you know he was a sweet, gentle soul. Everybody, to a person, loved Cooper. He was pleasant and easy to be around.
Cooper was an animal lover, and in particular, he loved our family dogs- Snoopy, Bear Bear, and Willow. Snoopy, 13, was Cooper’s dog. Cooper also had a weird thing for hedgehogs, he loved them.
Cooper’s closest friend growing up was Ethan. If we didn’t know any better, we would say that Ethan’s family had a third son for many years.
Cooper wore a Hebrew bracelet throughout his college days which translates roughly as, “a man is a man is a man.” Meaning, we’re all humans in the end.
Living at home with us, Cooper was able to spend a year of quality time with his grandfather, Poppy Jack, before his death from Parkinson’s disease May 2023. Poppy Jack beamed with pride Cooper worked at his alma matter.
Cooper was actively flying Cessna airplanes and close to securing his private pilot’s license. He recently made a cross country flight, his first.
Cooper golfed on the weekends, spent time at the lake and conservation areas hiking, and drove around in his new Honda Civic checking out the sites. Cooper enjoyed living in a college town and he spent time on college boulevard eating, drinking, and hanging out.
Over the last year, Cooper began lifting weights religiously and he was big and strong. Cooper was teaching himself how to play the guitar, he was getting good at it, and he was taking French lessons one night per week. As Cooper lived with us, we noticed structure and routine were important to him.
We don’t know why Cooper took his life. We can look back and see a few red flags, but nothing glaring. We have many unanswered questions, and tremendous guilt. While we don’t know why Cooper took his life, we are beginning to shape some contours that feel like this:
Cooper was not using drugs and he did not drink often. Cooper was a gentle, sensitive soul living in a harsh world. Cooper was hard on himself, a perfectionist who applied perfectionism to himself. College was especially hard on Cooper. He was in an advanced degree program and the stress of the program took a toll on him. While he was brilliant, and I mean this literally (his IQ was high), he was also socially introverted. This social introversion made it difficult for Cooper to make new friends and develop intimate relationships- from his perspective. This social introversion led to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Two years of COVID-19 messaging, “socially distance and isolate,” during Cooper’s last two years of college did not help him, and it compounded his feelings of loneliness and isolation. Layered into all of this is undiagnosed depression (likely) and generalized anxiety on top of social anxiety. This created a heavy load. Cooper was in a lot of pain and he went longer than I believe any of us could have. He endured a lot.
We don’t know if the above initial sketch is “correct” or not, and we will never know for sure, but it’s all we have right now, it’s the best we can come up with. As parents drowning in grief, we are naturally seeking answers.
We long and ache to know what happened, but more than anything, we want a do over, a chance to get it right. The finality of this event is crushing and the pain immense. It doesn’t seem like it was supposed to happen, we feel like the Universe got it wrong. We want our son back.
As we look back at pictures of Cooper over the years, it is clear to us that Cooper did have a good life, with many good times and memories made with family and friends. We see his smile, a twinkle in his eye, a gentle smirk, and genuine happiness.
We did a short Memorial Service for Cooper at our house on October 12th, with close family present. It was stunningly beautiful and perfect and brought a sense of peace to our house. We later visited Cooper at the funeral home and spent time with his body, honoring him, touching him, and saying goodbye. It was the kind of experience that sucks the air from your lungs and drops you to your knees, but so necessary in our healing process. Cooper’s brothers, CH and Carse, his sister, Grace, sister-in-law, Em, grandmothers, Lois and Kathy, grandpa, James, were with us. We left Snoopy’s dog collar in his hands. We prayed deeply for him and over him.
So where do we go from here?
We are not sure if we are cremating or burying Cooper. Oddly, it’s a tough decision because we never put thought into this. If buried, Cooper will be buried next to his grandfather, Jack, and his great grandparents. In this instance, we will buy plots next to his and be buried with him in the future.
Many have asked us how they can help or where they can donate. Given Cooper’s love and fondness for animals, especially dogs, we ask family and friends to donate in memory of Cooper James to your local animal shelter or humane society. Most animal shelters are reputable 501(c)(3) and donations are tax deductible.
We clearly have a long, painful road of grief and recovery ahead of us. Our family will never be the same. How could it?
The best thing you can do for us right now is hold Cooper’s loving memory with you always. Keep his gentle light alive in your heart. Say his name, remember him, smile for him. Pray for him, and pray for us.
We thought this was a decent article worth sharing: https://www.jfskc.org/how-to-respectfully- react-to-suicide
We need to end the stigma surrounding mental health and wellness. There is no shame in seeking counseling and establishing baseline medical care (labs) with your family doctor. Sadly, self harm is endemic in our society and we are not doing enough to help our young men.
Finally, in case you didn’t know, the US has a relatively new 9-8-8 suicide and crisis hotline for mental health emergencies. Learn the number, know it, and share it.
Thank you for your prayers,
Kelly & Victoria
Endure 